Monday, June 27, 2011

...Transmutation of Anger...


Transmutation of Anger

Yesterday I wrote about going to my mother's house to clean. After I was done there, I went to the "Book Warehouse" in the center of town that used to be "Borders" and bought some ridiculously low priced books that I have wanted for a very long time and had satisfied myself by borrowing them from the library in the past. Lynn Andrews is one of my all time favorite authors, a beautiful Medicine Woman who appears to channel parts of my soul in her words. I am enraptured by her existance on this earth.

Another author who inspires me greatly is Julia Cameron, the author of the well known "The Artists Way" and several other awesome works of creative genius. Both Lynn and Julia have been incredible teachers to me for a very long time and I am grateful for their indescribably gorgeous presences in this world. So when I saw "The Writing Diet" by Julia Cameron in the bookstore I abandoned reading "The Four Day Win" by Martha Beck for a few weeks because in "The Four Day Win" Martha Beck talks about dedicating a little bit of time each day to read something about nutrition, diet, exercise, etc. anything that you haven't yet tried to implement into your lifestyle to enhance it for weight loss or management. So I had started doing that by listening to the "French Women for All Seasons" audio cd on the way to work read by the author of "French Women Don't Get Fat." That was finished and I learned what I could from it. Then I remembered that I had to move on to something else, and that I had started reading "The Writing DIet", not really sure if she really meant to write your way on a diet. She did, and does teach this in this book. She teaches about writing down and about everything you eat, and why as well as the power of using anger as a creative catalyst.

So as I am standing at the checkout with my Lynn Andrews books yesterday, there is a note on the counter that reads, "free audio cassettes with the purchase of $10 or more" and I see one about women and anger and one about poetry of a woman whose son has died of AIDS. I took those two and immediately started listening to the one about anger. The next day (today) I am reading my chapter quota before my morning pages (another tool of Julia Cameron's) and she is talking about how we eat to pacify anger. How we stuff our uncomfortable emotions down with food and late night ice cream. Most importantly, how anger can be directly channeled into incredibly works of art.

Quite a few years ago I met some people who claimed to be one way and turned out to be another. Pretty typical arrangement, happens all the time. This particular short chapter ended in me painting a mermaid that I liked very much but whenever I looked at it, I was reminded of the plastic nature of the relationship and I struggled with my thoughts on whether I keep this piece as part of my painted life diary, or burn it. I had never done such a thing before. Ultimately, I did burn it. I have never done it again and the blues and greens of the painting imprinted themselves forever in the memory attached to the association between the people and the painting. This is one of my more dramatic memories of how I used art to channel anger.

I am sure all of us have things that we are angry, resentful and bitter about no matter how enlightened or ascended or transformed we believe ourselves to be. Things that I thought I was no longer angry about come flashing back to me on fire sometimes and I don't know where they come from, or why. All I know is that I need to deal with them when they come back around, like I did with the painting. Burn it out, creatively...Someone once told me not to air out my dirty laundry which is good advice. Spewing out your bitter hatred does nothing but prolong the ugly thing that it is. Learning to transmute the anger is an art in itself. Practicing this while the anger is taking place is quite an experiment. It is definitely one I am willing to continue exploring. This week I am painting a watercolor piece and I have no idea what will come of it. I do know there are a few issues that will somehow work themselves in through either a color or a symbol or a look in the eye of my subject, whether it be a woman, a bird or a deer...and this is my anger transmutation collectively channelled into a creative outlet. Wouldn't it be great if it could always be this way?

Until next time my friends...


Sunday, June 26, 2011

...I Always Feel Like...


I Always Feel Like...

Somebody is watching me. On some Sunday mornings I clean my mothers 3 bedroom home across town. Sometimes I get there before she returns home from church and I look around at the some of the things that I have grown up with and notice all the new things that never were there before. There are groups of pill bottles and one of those daily pill boxes on the beautiful wooden dining room table that has an extra leaf for when there were many more of us to sit at it. There are stacks of old bills and papers on a guest room bed upstairs and there are bookshelves lined with self help and religious inspirational books as well as my fathers mystery novels that he used to carry around literally in his back pocket...

Which leads to the first lines of this entry. I feel like he is there, watching me as I dust and wipe and vacume, taking inventory of my diligence in getting into the corners where no one else would even bother to check. But then there is me - the detail oriented one - who is going to be sure to check those corners even if my own toilet at home is encrusted with pee and age, my mothers toilet will never be.

My father flitters around there, around my mother, around me...around some of those things that he loved - the salt and pepper shakers, the pictures of the family weddings, the push button phone that I am sure he used a few times at least...I hear him whisper through papers that have fallen out of shelves, papers with his name on them, bills that still come in his name. I see his distinctive handwriting and notice that my mother has taken the second chair out of the kitchen and put a fan on it in the sunroom. She is so sad there, alone.

She says things to me that make me want to be deaf. I think things that are selfish, unkind and remorseful. I then switch to her place and see the world out of the Windex wiped windows of her life and I breathe in patience, understanding, compassion...sometimes I can get a breath in deep enough to save me from the horrid path my mind wants to, and often does, take. Then my mind switches to blueberries, books and video games. These are the things that truly make me happy and I wonder, if at her age, will those things still appeal to me? Painting and writing most definitely know I will want to leave a good bye letter...or two...and of course a painting that will channel my pain, anger, or frustration if that is what I am feeling. I would like to think that I can prevent alot of my future anguish via channeling creatively what I know how to do. I wish the same for her, and I tell her so all the time. Ultimately it is up to her to pick up what she needs to make her happy. I help her the only way I know how, and that is by sharing what my thoughts are and my experiences are, just as I am doing now with you. I hope it helps...I know it helps me :)

Thanks again for reading, and now to finish my "Blueberry" Parchment page, part of the new section of my work with pen and ink on parchment - "Fruits and Aromatherapy"...
Until Next Time

Saturday, June 25, 2011

...Dealing With Decline...


I knew this day would come when I would turn around and look at my life on a panoramic scope and see the many people involved, the many people who were involved, and the many people who I believe will never again be involved. I pretty much have chosen those people who I will and must retain relationships with and am careful as I walk the high wire of relationships to acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors. In the past I have said too much. I have learned to listen very carefully in the dead of night to the advice that my body gives me when my mind asks for answers.

There are very specific questions I have been asking about specific people lately, and some of the answers come before I am done just thinking of them and others linger around half answered. Some of them are answered and I just cannot accept them yet. Some of them are waiting to be heard once again. I retreat into my breath now and listen carefully to it on its length and rythmn against the sea or the crowd or the night.

I am dealing with the decline of the way I used to be, the way I have come to accept that I am, and the way that I yearn to be. I am dealing with the decline of the way things are for the people around me and see things changing for them, making them unhappy or unwell or unsettled. I know that all things are born, grow, and die. It's the natural order of things. As time goes by and people change one way or another the cycles speed up and you see things "turn for the worse" or "turn for the better" and perhaps wonder how and when things will turn for better or worse for yourself. Things that seemed so dramatic are suddenly trivial. Things that have always been, no longer are. The loss of life, of health, of relationships, of people...this dealing with decline is something we all do, we all face.

Dealing with it is difficult for anyone and there is no handbook on how to do it. The decline of family members and relationships is on my mind more and more lately as I am tuning in to what I personally have to do about it. Going to my son's graduation this week really shed light on how quickly the time does pass, how people come and go and how much time do we really spend with the people we say we care about? How much is too much or too little? How often do we get wrapped up in one or two people or things that we are involved in and alienate the rest? The balance is found for me in silence. I am grateful for the time in solitude to strain it all out and to be able to share some of it with you. Thank you again for reading...

Until Next Time


Thursday, June 23, 2011

...Wish I May, Wish I Might...

...My Caffeine Dependency...

Well it seems that I do have this addiction, but its a manageable one that I enjoy so I will live with it for now. This would be the really wrong week to try to wean off of my coffee since the kids are getting out of school and now my sleep/wake schedules will change whenever I want them to. I am grateful for the input of those who comment on my last entry about Chemical Dependency and I know my personality very well - so the coffee will be staying for now.
So as the week rolls on and its just past the middle - I am working on my newest parchment piece "Blueberry" and have some cards to add to my site that I have freshly hand fired and affixed to ivory card stock. I will share them when they are completely uploaded. I also removed the limited edition hand embellished set of Hekate Queen of the Crossroads set, because I know even though school is out, it seems to be busier around here than ever and I don't want to hold back on having any sent out. So, they are still available on the site and I look forward to adding my new pieces to the Sunday Submissions link every week.
There is major rain going on so I will check the basement, drink my coffee and then blast through the rest of this day. I just wanted to throw up a little post to share with those I know are reading along. THANK YOU!!! Have a great rest of this Thursday and here is a quote to go with for today:

"Remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible." ~ Cheri-Carter Scotts

Monday, June 20, 2011

...Chemical Dependency...


...My Chemical Romance...

Yesterday I started using my Lemongrass for aromatherapy. Today I wondered how it could be that this scent could wake me up more than that gigantic coffee I get every morning does. Can I abolish this chemical dependency also? My personal thoughts on it have always been somewhat negative. Why do I need to depend on a chemical to work right? I remember when I first started drinking coffee, when I was in art school and I had put off an assignment until the last minute. I told myself that coffee and cigarettes would help me get the job done, and quick.

One rainy night as I was smoking and painting a piece for my portfolio, the window open so that the smell of the cigarettes wouldn't invade the entire house, a wind came through and blew over my large coffee. Light and sweet all over my painting. When I brought it to my instructor, he made it work for the piece, like a wash of sand and biege sky behind a woman with hair blowing in the wind perhaps at the beach. It worked for that, yes.

What I am thinking of now is how long I have been dependent on this drug, caffeine. How I led myself to believe that I need it and cannot live without it. Then how I recently read that excessive caffeine actually has the reverse effect because you may have so much of it that it causes your body to overwork to process it and then become tired. I also think that I began ingesting more of it when I quit smoking over six years ago. I also learned that my cholesterol was high when I was pregnant with Markus, and so I stopped using cream and sugar. Now coffee is alright, not the light and sweet fattening drink I sucked down for years and years, expecting it never to catch up with me.

Now I am reading about yoga more than just doing yoga and seeing that there is so much more to the practice than just the movements and the breathing. Those things are primary in the practice, yes, but there is now so much more that I am realizing is attached to this. For the first thing, and taking baby steps to learning so I can properly apply it and integrate it into my life, the breathing part is essential to working through the poses and some of them are excruitiatingly focused on the breath.

Which takes me back to the Lemongrass and aromatherapy. How and why does it work? Through breathing the scent in and out. Activating rememberance and stimulating certain quadrents of the brain as well as enhancing and renewing sensors of the body. So, the smell of coffee may be awesome but the taste without the sugar and cream has gotten to be just something I think I need everyday...or do I?

Until Next Time


Sunday, June 19, 2011

...Days of the New...


Today I was writing my morning pages and through the various exploration of many forms of bibliomancy, I was led to being reminded that the power of scent can be extremely transforming and transcendent. I went to my aromatherapy cabinet and asked to be guided to the one that would help me the most. I chose "lemongrass" and promply pulled out "The Aromatherapy Bible" by Gill Farrer-Halls. I was pleasantly informed that Lemongrass is perfect for helping wake one up in the morning and also as an aid to those who are studying and meditating.
Flipping through the book I also saw parts titled "Aromatherapy and Crystals" and "Aromatherapy and the Chakras". Key words jumped out at me as well, such as Yoga and T'ai Chi. All of these things that I have been more and more recently integrating into my life as I remove all that I believe hinders me.
...Integration of the New...
More interesting information is found in the chakra section:
"According to the Hindu Kundalini Yoga Chakra system, the subtle body has three main channels (like psychic nerves) called nadis and six chakras plus the thousand-petalled lotus at the crown of the head (often called the seventh chakra).
I have lately seen that all that I am trying to incorporate comes more fluently the more that I release that which no longer serves me. Barricades of emotional thorns being pryed from my aura allow me to blossom and grow in my "Garden". It is not something I really understand completely, but as the days and nights go by I see the progress and the process more clearly.
...The Moon, She Wanes...
So as a new week is about to begin, and the boys get out of school I will strive to make some sort of structure to the day as things change over into a more relaxed and loose way of life. I will keep working on patience and more importantly I will focus on the thoughts I keep and the words I speak as I have seen the destruction they cause on their own.
Everything is about words and language. Everything is about knowing and practicing what we know. As the moon fades to a sliver then to dark, I shed away the next round of things that have been plaguing me and make sure that I have the older things under scrutiny and maintain those as well. I have kept my Sunday Submissions going, this is the third week in a row and I am grateful for that new goal and thankful for the creativity that continues to flow through me.
Until next time

Friday, June 17, 2011

...Funeral Box...

This poem is from my book "Whispers of the Goddess" and on this gray rainy death like day, I saw it and thought it was time to share...

In the presence of Divinity
upon an altar
among flowers
and candles
and a crown of thorns
the smoke rises
frankincense and myrrh
smoke is swung
and hovers around
in patterns
Everyone is sanctified
and humbled
and united in death
in this building
in this church
in the urn
in the wooden box
of ashes or much later
bones and dust
we are all eventually
reduced to these
and lay someplace
upon this earth
memories fading
the pictures in their frames
grow dim as well
where will you go
I will be able to find you
in that darkness
surrounded by light

Whispers of the Goddess by Carole Anzolletti

Whispers of the GoddessWhispers of the Goddess
Amazon Price: $13.20
List Price: $14.99

Thursday, June 16, 2011

...Yellow Twilight...Full Moon Manifestation

...The Moon, She is Full...

I appreciate the wonderful comments and support of all that read my words. I have always wondered if they make an impact, and the kind people who let me know it does lend the greatest encouragement and motivation for me to keep on keeping on.
I said in a previous post that I would share what I wanted to manifest for the Full Moon, and here She is, bright and round and gloriously powerful enough to light up the night sky when I stand in my dark driveway after a long night of work. She stops me in my tracks and asks, "What's going on?" I answer, "ALOT." I ask for Her patience and say a prayer for guidance. I never fail to hear Her answer.

...Yellow Twilight...

A look back into the past - 12/6/2001 to be exact, I wrote an online entry titled "Yellow Twilight" and I have picked this one out of the mountain of entries that lay there asking me to "edit" them for the possibly of publication.
So, before "Bubble Guppies" is over, and I get out of this house with my little boy for the rest of our busy day, I will share this excerpt with you and wish you well on this fine June day.
The night has been long and the distance between the stars and I is short. The opalescent moon has rings of red dust around it. The dark grass has silver drops that will shortly evaporate and hang above in the air around us. The dawning day showers light on the beginning of a new path showered in yellow dust. The world turns black and white for a moment as my feet pad through it and are covered in its vibrancy. The sunshine drifts over a distant mountain and filters through the oak leaves. My perspective lengthens and opens to an influx of information and intuition.

The grass along the path glitters a deep emerald and reflects the dark dreams of the night on its blades. The contrast of yellow and green ignite healing and awareness that move me away from the sadness and melancholy that has nestled into my soul during the night. Day lilies burst into view, their yellow and orange petals scorching the landscape of my mind. They whisper, "You can grow anything here..."
The sunlight extends its rays and lights up the flared bugles of flowers that makes the plants seem to sing an eternal song that all lilies sing. The sound vibrates around in circles up and back to the sun, touching the solar plexus and igniting a creative out pour that is carefully maintained through the realization that this meditation comes precisely from it. These words pour out of this channel and onto the page where they grow beautiful shoots of truth. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

...Burgeoning Anemones...

...Assignment 9...

The following is from my writing course and is assignment nine. I am grateful to post it so late in the day. Thank you for reading!

“Friends are flowers in the Garden of Life.” ~ Proverb

It can be difficult to rip a relationship out of your life, roots and all. I have seen this is much like tending a garden that has been allowed to be overgrown for a while. When the effort fails to be diligent, the life slowly drains out of the flowers. When the effort fails completely, we find ourselves overlooking this garden with shears and shovels in our hands. The impulse to dig up all that is dead is overwhelming.

Weeds will try to grow back, of course. I take inventory of the plants that are meant to stay. I strive to remove the chokers and threatening presences. Some of them appear innocent at first, like soft yellow dandelions in the sun. They sway on strong stalks in the May winds and become a pinnacle of wish pods. So the wishes are made and the Universe hears what it is we want. The backlash will be where those pods land and reproduce hopefully in the Field of Remembrance and Gratitude for what has been manifested.

As you pass by every day you review your inventory of memories. You wonder if it was necessary to end those relationships and leave a barren (yet fertile) patch behind. You decide you are ready for new seeds and possibilities and look forward to ones that won’t make you cringe every time you walk past.
The extractions become mulch in my soul. Old words and promises lie in dark layers and dream dark nostalgia. Silent currents still pulse within them as they reach out to threaten new life. It’s all they have left. There are ways to prevent this just like there are ways to control unwanted growth upon a landscape. It is hard work and requires constant attention. Protection, if you will.

Each morning I step into the day half awake. I pass by the Garden and think of work that must be done. My children don’t know about The Garden yet and it is because of them it must be kept healthy and free of weeds, pests, and overgrowth. They had once been seeds in utero in the Garden and I planted them unconsciously, vigorously. One day they may read about the Garden and learn how to tend their own. For now I will keep faith in the passing of my words to the page and relaying the process of growth, death, and renewal as I live it.

I work towards a well maintained Garden where my children won’t suffer the overgrowth of my destructive patterns, habits or relationships. I want them to understand that they do not need to stay in relationships that cause them unhappiness in any form. We allow ourselves to stay in these relationships because we are unsure of who we are. We sometimes fantasize that we can change people with dedication and compassion when in reality we can only change ourselves. We can learn to recognize growth, stagnation, and death in our relationships. We learn to see that all we do affects the people around us and if we spread out negative, hateful, and jealous seeds that they only poison the rest of the Garden. These “weeds” only make more work for us. 

My Garden is fragile this Spring. I carefully research beneficial properties of potential additions. The whispers of spirits and guides are gentle yet strong. Together we cultivate insight and foresight. Nostalgic bulbs lay deep in the soil. They have slept there and their time to be dug out has arrived. They are unwanted and void of my affinity. The corpses of leaves, buds and petals litter the corridors of my soul. They lay there wishing for renewal and re-birth they innately know is not coming. Their time is spent, so brief and glorious in the sunlight of late summer. 

I work on uprooting insecurities. Other people’s behaviors, problems, and issues make me look at myself. What is it that I see in those mirrors? I feel friction from certain things and people. I understand that these things grow in my Garden because they are allowed to. I have planted them there. There are also issues in myself that no one can help me with and they have continued to grow. I uproot myself from people and situations that instigate me and prepare to face the discomfort head on. It is then only me causing friction, with no one around to blame it on but myself.

Now there are no jealous digs or uninterested conversations about how one tragedy is worse than another. Nothing about how life sucks and everything is looked at with hate and expectancy when the truth is never really told. Gone are over-exaggerated details blown magnificently out of proportion. What is left is the acceptance of how things can overgrow and sneak out into others gardens, choking and holding those unsuspecting, trusting people down.

I am cultivating a way to understand myself through writing more so that I may understand others as I learn to tear away the terrorists of my psyche. We are not so different, you and I. We all want certain things. We all need people and love. We all want our Gardens to be free of weeds, pests, and unidentified others. Whether we can maintain a healthy habitat or not is truly up to us. Only when we truly know who and what is growing along with us can we take a breath and enjoy our delicate Gardens.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

...Darkness During Daylight...


...Rising Above...

The following is taken from a journal long ago, in 2002 when I was still a smoker and I was writing my way through and out of it. It is not your traditional "I quit smoking" article but a more vivid and promising account of how if the truth hurts, we must wear it. Please share with anyone who may struggle with any addiction. Mine was, and always will be, smoking cigarettes. This is part of my personal journey and I hope that it helps someone out there!



The clean new yellow twilight had an intruder. A dark figure came from the east field, steadily approaching me as it trampled through wild flowers and grass. Nothing about its presence was about light. Unable to move or speak I stood and waited for it to meet me. It would no doubt tell me what it wanted to say, for it came too fast and was full of a dark power. I could feel it in its cold breath as it carried across the distance. It whispered, "Shhhhh...I need you."

All the yellow brilliance drained out out of the early day as he stood before me. He was a hideously beautiful creature with velvet black eyes and pale skin. His chin wore a small dent in its center. When he smiled with his head cocked to one side, his teeth showed just slightly and his cheek was hollowed with a simple dimple on just one side. He was no taller than I, and his eyes met mine in a straight line. The yellow star that had been part of my visualization at dawn flickered intensely and then fell as dark as the eyes that now stared into mine. It was as if he had come to just get that light out, for now I could not look past him.



His darkness was too consuming. I watched his black eyes watch mine and folded my arms across my chest. My impatience with his gaze was apparent as my anger grew and my foot tapped. I resented his ominous gaze and was about to speak when I heard the tiny voices of intuition speak softly enough to change the dangerous words about to cross my lips.

...He will move aside if you stand your not be afraid of him...he cannot harm you on this journey...although he is dark and threatening his power lacks the strength you have inside your heart...his heart is cold, small and black and knows nothing of the power within you...this power that conquers anything you choose it him this power and he will move aside...remember, all things happen for a reason and in their own not be eager to move past a lesson that you truly need to stay in to will know when the time to move on is will feel it and see it...the signs and symbols are shown to will know when to go...



Unaware that I had closed my eyes to really hear what my intuition was so softly saying, I raised my head and opened them to find him now behind me with his chin placed gently on my shoulder. He whispered a sad deliberation in my ear.

"What have you that I have not? Why do you shut me out and close me off? Do you not remember me? Can you stand here alone in this place and really proceed alone? Go then, go now, ahead on the path. I am sure you would love to continue on and leave me here, going backwards and tracing your steps back from where you came. But it doesn't work that way. You can never go back and start over again. You can remember where you left me behind and you can recall the day we met and all that I have done for you. So I will let you go because I know I will meet you again, another day, over and over."

I turned to face him and touched the cleft of his chin with my middle and index fingers. I kiss my fingertips and then his cold, pale forehead. He grabs my hand away and throws it to my side. I exhale and inhale, over and over as I close my eyes. I begin to tell him what he hates to hear.

"I loved you and would have done anything for you and you knew it. You abused it and you damaged my heart, stole a piece of me that I willingly gave you. My heart was worth nothing to you and everything else inside me became nothing to you, too. You broke me into a million tiny pieces and laughed at the mess you made. You stepped over my broken self and embraced the power it gave you. I forgave you though. I love you for how you changed me and for the lessons that you taught me and continue to teach me. Thank you. Please know that I really at one time loved you. Honestly, truly and blindly. Take that with you and believe that I am not the only one who will tell you this."


...Daylight Returns...

As I looked into his eyes, the darkness faded and the earthly brown irises that hid behind the blackness returned. He took my hand and held it up to his lips. He said no words after softly kissing the palm of my hand and released it. I did not see his eyes as he turned and walked into the darkness from where I had spent so much time. He faded into it, became one with it.

I turned back to see the horizon and the path of the Dawn. I looked for a sign or symbol that it was time to move forward. Nothing seemed very different other than the lack of his presence. I listened for Guidance as the sun rose higher in the sky. The day stood mute before me.

Monday, June 13, 2011

...Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads Pathworking/Meditation,,,

...Inspiration Whispers...

I have been creating parchment art pages for several years now, and I love to entwine mythology and deity study with meditation. This is my latest piece of work and I adore pen and ink with watercolor applied to parchment. I have a unique style and method that cannot be duplicated, and I am grateful for the ability to produce these.
In the paragraphs that follow, you will see an example of my writing style and canter.

...Dark Lady of the Night...

Triple Goddess, My Lady, you are my most wise teacher. You stand at the Crossroads waiting to usher me down a candle lit path towards a self imposed dark night of the soul where I will come face to face with myself. You will hold up a mirror for me to see myself reflected back into eternity, each image slightly different, slightly younger, slightly older, yet very much the same. Upon this realization the images shatter into a metallic dust that falls down into the pathway. A slow and strong breeze carries it, scatters it to the four corners of the earth. I am no more than a shadow at your feet.

...Dark Moon...

Under the dark moon you scoop up a handful of me and toss me into the night sky. I land among the stars and meet my family, my friends, myself...once again. I am not free to decide where I land or live yet I trust you to deliver me back to where I belong. I shine among the stars. I am given back my light and I grow until I am too heavy to remain above. You take me down from your mantle of stars and place me upon the sea. I mingle with the ocean and the dawn. A ship sails in the distance. I know nothing but water and warmth. I grow in the belly of a moonshell. I become larger and must be born on the sand.


The sunlight burns my new eyes as I grow rapidly, reborn and whole once more. Pieces of me fleck the seaside as I make my way home, a mortal again. Blessed Be.

...Hekate Goddess of the Crossroads...

My newest addition to the Goddess Parchments Collection!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

...Core Issues...

...Two and Three...

When I was two years old, I had a tracheotomy. I struggled with breathing due to croup after a bout of bronchitis that turned to pneumonia which lead to a cardiac arrest and the emergency tracheotomy procedure. I was told that my heart had stopped for three minutes and I had turned "blue on the table." I have loved the number three for a very long time now, for many reasons, but have also adopted it as my "lucky" number.
I remember my father walking up the stairs coming to visit me, and the baby in the crib next to me that cried and cried. I remember my blanket being way too small, the cold room for us being children with respiratory issues, and I remember reaching for that plastic stack of colored donuts that are different sizes and stacked up on each other.

I believe it was here where I first met The Red Queen {The Muse that inspires my poetry and prose...the Spirit that came back with me on the way back from my brief physical death}...


When I found out my father had terminal lung cancer at the end of 1999, I also found out that I had hypothyroidism. This disorder of the thyroid slows metabolism and makes you extremely tired, affects your hormones and produces sweating that is unexplained. I knew something was wrong when I couldn't keep my eyes open at an office temp job that I had and I was falling asleep sitting up in my chair.

I had the tests, got the radiation treatment and they "killed" my thyroid. I bought a book and read about the gland and the issues. I saw that the gland itself looked like a butterfly and I began to relate things in my mind about it. When I had first started painting the little boxes that I had practiced on, I had been painting butterflies. I know a lot of people like them, love them...and I was intrigued with the symbolism. I had chosen a card out of an animal totem deck years prior, and the instructions were that the first card you chose out of the deck would be your life symbol and ally. Mine was indeed the butterfly.


...Waves of Expression...

The symbolism of the butterfly is life, death and rebirth. The core operation was done on my throat and I grow up to have permanent issues with that same area. Every day, for the rest of my life, I have to take a synthetic hormone to regulate my thyroid. I have had issues with it basically all my life. After the tracheotomy it was known that I had allergies and bronchitis frequently and was sick a lot of the time. I was painfully shy and didn't like to speak or be asked to.

As I began school I found that I loved art because I could express myself without having to physically speak. As time went by I found that I could write as well and this seemed to be a great alternative until I copied a poem about suicide that someone else had given me. I had added it to a book of poems of all types. My parents found it, and thought I was the author. I was promptly admitted to a psychiatric ward. When I look back at that, I know how much they cared and how worried they must have been. Of course they couldn't take a chance that I was suicidal and maybe lying about being the author. I respect and appreciate that they took the steps to prevent a possible tragedy.

...Throat Chakra...

When I started to learn about the chakras, I noticed that my core issues and the attributes of the throat chakra came into perfect alignment. I noticed that the colors blue and turquoise made me look and feel much better in a strange abstract kind of way. Researching more about it, I bought necklaces made of blue topaz or turquoise and added clothes of that color to my wardrobe.

Reading about the imbalances of this chakra, I saw that it lead right back to the seasonal and lifetime issues that I have had with this area of my body. I could be just free associating all of this, but I don't think it's coincidence that what I do now, writing and drawing, and the colors that I choose, the stones that I collect - all of this helps me feel better and supports the energy center known as Visudda. The fact that the celestial body the rules this chakra is Mercury, the planet of communication, fits in nicely with the fact that my main channel of expression is a creative and spiritual avenue that I have been on the track to developing since I can remember.

"The Fool" by Carole Anzolletti


I have strung together the events of my life on the pages and papers strewn through out my home. I have written "Whispers of the Goddess" and am working on "The Forest Labyrinth" as well as something I call "The Mermaid Chronicles." I find it comforting and reassuring that I am doing as much as I can to honor the fact that I was once "Blue" and almost not here to be the creatrix that I am now. Perhaps that is why I am so attuned to this, and cannot turn away from it.

I am grateful to share this story with you, and I also woke up in the middle of the night last night to see a commercial where the mother and father were in the audience at a concert hall and they asked each other where their son was. They looked at each other in a short state of panic as the lights on the stage went on and there sat their son at the piano, playing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...They were shocked and about to do something when the pianist scheduled to play came onto the stage and added his own input to the song, the both of them there playing together. The message of the commercial was then "Encouragement." I briefly thought back to my previous entry where I speak about my desire to play the piano, but I never said that I also wanted my musically in tuned son Markus to play as well. The commercial has now cemented its message and vision in my mind. Manifestation is in the works.

Thank you for journeying up and down and all around with me, and thank you for reading! Be back soon...

Until then

Saturday, June 11, 2011

...Mistress of Severance...

...Resistance and Opposition...

I have seen that the worse things seem to become the more important it is to maintain some sort of inventory for one self, and one's health in any way possible. Whether this means to stop doing something destructive such as over-eating, smoking, drinking, binging and purging on things that are temporary fixes...I find myself so tired of the work sometimes. Sometimes I just want fries and carbs and ice cream. When the time comes that my arteries are clogged with fat and cholesterol...will all that I ingested have been worth it? Did I even try hard enough to balance it out or pay attention to some kind of moderation? Just looking at a piece of pizza I gain weight and fat. Can I cut out everything that is bad for me and not want to blow myself up?

Some of the things we do will never be right for our mortal bodies. Some of the things we think are filled with doubt and confusion. We ask ourselves questions: Does anyone else feel the same way? Is anyone else struggling with this the way I am? Who cares? Shouldn't I care?

I should, and I do. So banish the chocolate chip cookie dough from the earth so I can live my life as a beanpole. No, this is not the answer. I don't want to be and never will be a beanpole. I resist and detest and am opposed. Then I give in. Maybe because everyone else is doing it. Maybe because I had a bad day. Maybe because I hadn't eaten all day or I went to the gym and ran like an animal. But maybe...just maybe...I wasn't happy about any of that.

...Elliptical as Opposed to Cylindrical...

I have been going to the gym frequently and each time I do so I am visualizing a better me. Although the process of transformation takes so long to attain, and is never complete, I am learning to appreciate the art of patience. Patience with myself and others, especially my children - and also other people's children. As I work in a restaurant that caters to children, I witness many instances that I find interesting and enlightening.

So as I am putting in my miles on the elliptical machine I am envisioning the energy centers spinning in harmony, health and powerfully aligning themselves within me as I move myself in the motion of a wheel as opposed to a ball. I realize there is a sphere of energy around me, an aura, and I know there are other cycles of movement within the sphere spinning relentlessly as I go.


There comes a time when you will stop and ask yourself how you got so numb to the life you are in. Whether it be a moment or months or years, you will ask yourself what is going on inside. Who are you? Do you yet know? Are you a painter, dancer, singer, creator, architect? Are you a musician, writer, landscaper, beautician, a medical or professional expert? Are you more than this? Do you want to be? Is it possible to balance and maintain something just for you, to make you happy? The time for Severance does come.

Severance will be catalystic. It will be liberation from the daily wheel of the same thing over and over. It will be something natural and organic and wild. It will show you another dimension of yourself that you have been either unaware of, afraid of, or both. For me, one of these things would be learning to play piano. What must I sever to make room for it? Surely there are blockages to my desire. I am pretty sure of what they are, but the work to remove them is daunting. That's how I know - it's something I MUST DO. Right now it is on the horizon of dreams...but I am pretty sure that because my thoughts become things that one day in the not so distant future, it will be a material manifestation that will serve many purposes. The Universe is indeed powerful and the magnetic projections we send out can indeed summon what it is we want - whether it be health, wealth, love or success...its not beyond anyone of us to attain.

So now I will get back to severing that which holds me back, and down...and I will be back again soon...

Until then~


Friday, June 10, 2011

...Being Available to Yourself...

...When Time Becomes Illusion...

Yesterday I had to take my son to the doctor out of town and figure out what his issues were there. That whole trip re-arranged the whole day. It was hot and sticky and frustrating later in the day when I sat down to try to type a blog. (Another reason first thing of the day blogs will be integral as I am practicing daily writing habits)

I am glad there is nothing too insane wrong with him, but as I mentioned in my late night post, all of this medical and internal stuff is starting to really change my priorities on what I do and who I do it with. I have gotten to the point where Time is an Illusion and my "Time" with people who aren't willing to reciprocate my high levels of enthusiastic and infectious energy is either sliced down to a fraction of my attention or removed completely. I have no worries that this is selfish or egotistical, because I am ultimately taking care of myself, and the people who truly need me and appreciate me. Time is an illusion and the "time" that we "think" we have, we DO NOT. (You don't even have to agree with me, and I don't need to be right, it's purely how I feel at this moment) I believe if we do not make ourselves available to ourselves the same way we do for others, that we cannot operate on a optimal level of assistance and awareness.

...Where Do We Go From Here...

A transformation then ends, and another begins. I am holding on tight because I know my capacity to become complacent and let all these things slide back down, settle back into the silt of the ocean of myself. They fall back to sleep and I say months from now, "Oh remember I wanted to fine tune my chakras? Oh what about studying ancient Egypt? Oh what about that painting?" The prioritization that steps in when mortality is threatened re-arranges everything. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT? People. The people we love, and who love us. Who shows us? Who tells us? What about the children who never get told? Our spouses, ourselves...its such a simple statement that holds an intimidating power some are unwilling to wield. "Time" and "Opportunity" shows us it can slam shut any moment.

Interesting questions arise in my life - "What if we have predetermined the events, the major ones, where do we go from here?" What about those people we thought would be there and love us forever? Those people who we thought we loved but had no idea that what we felt was far and distilled from that? Those who thought they loved us? Those who used us? Where does all that go...does it truly fall away when we transform? All of these questions do not require answers, only thought...which in turn is "things" that run around like untamed children...if we let them...

...Being Grateful...

So many things I have read focus on "The Attitude of Gratitude" and as I write that, there is a gentle cooing sound outside the window that only happens at this time of year, in the trees in the shade before the sun becomes too hot. This cooing bird I cannot see, but it is a mellow smooth song of early summer that takes me to a place of gratitude, for a sound that is recognized every year of my life here.

I am grateful for the ability to write, and grateful for those who come to read. I am grateful for the knowledge that sometimes what I write positively affects even just one person who takes the time to let me know it, and it is those very special and heartfelt comments that allow me to believe that this is something that I decided I would do "before I came here"...Whether or not you believe in the "Herebefore" or "Hereafter" I am still going to be here, doing this...grateful.

Thank you for reading - and now I will journal and see what comes of that as I move forward into listening for clues...Whispers...that will enhance and lead me to the next level of development in my investigations on how the energy centers are important portals into the health and maintenance of the mortal and spiritual body...

Until Next Time...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

...Reaching Out and Into the Light...

...Please Make Time For This...

...The Wait...

A few days ago I was informed of a close family member being admitted into the hospital and as some of you may know from my other posts, my mother had also been admitted. My mom is home now, and better, and they never found the source of the internal bleeding. Strange, but true.
Now, this news of another family member is more serious and requires any and all attention you can allow me today, and everyday until she is better. Never would you ever think that a person at 36 years old would go into the hospital and be told that she has stage 4 lung cancer when she thought she was suffering from only a severe headache. The world has shattered into a zillion pieces.


There are no other thoughts (things) than positive, strong and encouraging thoughts that should be traveling towards her as she begins the process of healing and treatment that will enable her to recover. There is no room for hope to be lost, for fear to overshadow, for weakness to take hold. There is no time to allow the dance of doubt to spend any time involved in this situation. Miracles are miracles because we make them so.
I know you don't know me. I know that you have your own troubles and illness and death to deal with. I also know that if you asked me, I would also come and lend my energy and time from my life to add to the cosmic consciousness that is involved in All things. We ARE ALL ONE. We are all worried about what becomes of us when our flesh and blood cease to be. We all wish that we had done things differently and we go on making mistakes. We have done things that we are guilty for and of, we have been ashamed of our bad habits and our less than noble attitudes.
When it comes to the very thin, frail line between Life and Death, we are willing to make any sacrifice to reverse those things. We make a deal with a Force that we know is Larger than us, because this Force is the only thing left when reality becomes unreal. We want to pour out our entire selves onto the floor and sift through the contents so we can remove those things that we want to take back and do over.


No matter what or who you call it, God/Goddess/Universal Intelligence/Spirit/Angels/Devils...there is indeed the invisible current that affects the way we operate, the way we believe or deny, the way we move through our days and nights. The way we base our behavior. The way we decide what is right, what is wrong and how we react to everyone, every day. I want to believe that the coming of 2012 is the change we wish to see in the world...or rather, the changes...and I also believe that coming forward to spend a moment of energy directing light and healing towards a stranger to you, and a family member to me, is something we can agree will make all of us better in the end.
I am deeply grateful for your attention and your help in sending anything at all. If you know the family personally, I am sure they would be grateful knowing you are sending love and light and if you are able to contact them or send anything or would like to, please contact me privately through my email: ...
Lighting a candle for the Gombas family (Steve, Debbie, Tori) in your local church or your sacred space, or your kitchen windowsill - anywhere...will add to the light that is urgently needed to help Debbie heal as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Wheels of Healing

When the Whole Foods Market opened, I knew it was going make an important impact on my life.  When I picked up and put down that Yoga Journal a couple times, and felt that I had to have it...I knew it would be a gateway to a world I have been fascinated yet unmotivated to enter for such a long time now.  I remained away from it because I know how it will completely change me.  I know the amount of work involved is unfathomable but now I have gotten to the point of distraction in my self that causes me to want to smash limitations like being in a room full of light bulbs with a baseball bat.  All of these little things (thoughts) traipsing through my mind, things that no longer hold any value or impact, these things need to get blasted out.

The picture above is a show of the chakras.  The following is from Wikipedia:

Chakra is a concept originating from Hindu texts and used in Hindu practices. Its name derives from the Sanskrit word for "wheel" or "turning" (cakraṃ चक्रं [ˈtʃəkrə̃], pronounced [ˈtʃəkrə] in Hindi; Pali: cakka चक्क, Thai: จักระ, Tamil: சக்கரம், Chinese: 轮, Tibetan: འཁོར་ལོ་; khorlo).[1]
Chakra is a concept referring to wheel-like vortices which, according to traditional Indian medicine, are believed to exist in the surface of the etheric double of man.[2] The Chakras are said to be "force centers" or whorls of energy permeating, from a point on the physical body, the layers of the subtle bodies in an ever-increasing fan-shaped formation. Rotating vortices of subtle matter, they are considered the focal points for the reception and transmission of energies.[3] Different systems posit a varying number of chakras; the most well known system in the West is that of seven chakras.
It is typical for chakras to be depicted as either flower-like or wheel-like. In the former, "petals" are shown around the perimeter of a circle. In the latter, spokes divide the circle into segments that make the chakra resemble a wheel (or "chakra"). Each chakra possesses a specific number of segments or petals.
Texts describing the chakras go back as far as the later Upanishads, for example the Yoga Kundalini Upanishad.

I have several books and cds on this subject, which I have picked up, started to work with, then put down.  There have been a series of events that have happened in the last month that have caused me to realize how important it is to be in touch with these energy centers, and how important it is to realize what their job is.  So for my Full Moon Manifestation, not only is Yoga and Meditation involved, this system of energy and transmutation through the transmittance of information about them is my goal.

I did start studying them and have a page of parchments dedicated to the work on crystals and chakras:

Crystal and Chakra Parchments

I look forward to sharing more with you as I go...

Until Next Time...


Monday, June 6, 2011

Redirecting Complacence

“You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination.” ~ Ralph Marston

If all thoughts are things, and everything happens for a reason...then I have an extreme power to redirect these thoughts (things) into what I need them to be, at any given time. And so do you.

What thoughts do I hold heavy in the forefront of my mind today?

***Mortality. Taking care of the body/mind/spirit can seem like an overwhelming amount of work.  How many are willing to do it?  How many overweight, overdosed, over-chemicalized (is that a word?) people will float in and out of my life today?  I will literally see them "roll in and out" of the restaurant this week - some of them so pissed that they need to sit at a table because they can't fit into a booth.  What do I wish for them? My thoughts are things.  I think positive things for them...positive thoughts for strangers...why?  Because what goes around, comes around.

***The art of pushing forward when you really would rather not.  (I do believe it is an art form to continue building day after day, night after night...stacking up those thoughts (things) one on top of the other.)  What about being tired?  What about non-stop daily living of chores and driving and children and all that comes with that?  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  I am grateful that I have so much to do, and so many to do for.  Thank you.  

What are you grateful for today?  What can you transmute into positive, effective, unstoppable determination?  For me, it is the anger that I have let the clutter collide with my creativity and having it become a tall boulder of a wall that I will push up a hill of perplexity until I reach the top and push that sucker over the edge.  Then I will look to the sky and aim for the Full Moon...which is June 15th...what will my thoughts manifest? I will share it here!

See you again soon my friends!

...Bleeding Hearts...

The season for these gorgeous flowers is just about expired.  Before they slip away for another year, I have been researching them and have been formulating their awesomeness into a wonderful new piece of art.  If you are interested in purchasing this new piece, it will be available as a full color parchment quality print and as a limited edition illuminated print.  The illuminated versions are hand embellished with corresponding metallic inks and are a gorgeous hand inked touch to a beautiful creation!  Just click here: Herbs and Flower Parchments Page and "Bleeding Hearts" has been added in both versions!  Thank you for checking out my newest work...

About Me

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Fairfield, CT, United States
Originally this blog was created to house the writings for The Red Queen. She is the Muse that inspires this Author and Artist and is the insidious channel that opens to admonish all doubt and fear. She allows what needs to be, TO BE. Carole Anzolletti is the Author and Illustrator of "Whispers of the Goddess" Poetry and Prose and is currently working on a body of writing called "The Forest Labyrinth." She has also been known as "Lady Pegasus" and formerly had the domain until 2009 when she changed it to She is a seller of art and craft and has sold her work all over the world. Currently her eBay id is: art_by_carole_anzolletti